Have I told you how much you won my attention from the word go?
I suppose this is the right time to do so if I haven’t;
It has nothing to do with your looks or the charm everyone seem to fall for.
No, your smile did it for me…
Your dimples were more than enough to add onto the already accumulating list of your attraction qualities.
But they just weren’t enough for me.
The way that your eyes seemed to light up your entire face whenever you smiled had my knees buckling the very first time I saw you smile.
And many more times I had seen you smile ever since that fateful day.
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Did I ever tell you just how fast my heart beats at the mere mention of your name?
I wouldn’t call the sensation in my stomach butterflies.
No, that would be an understatement of the entire millennium!
They are more like the afternoon summer sun when it’s due to set.
Its warmth and beauty calming while simultaneously overwhelming.
I could not begin to decipher the reason why I reacted that much to you.
But I won’t say I hated it when in actual fact I liked it.
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A simple greeting and I was done;
Your rich velvety voice with a hint of what I assumed to be natural rasp had my knees buckling.
Was that day the first you’d noticed me?
I mean I have been around you for years and you wouldn’t so much as acknowledge my presence.
Either way, I was the happiest girl at that moment in time.
That very greeting had me dreaming about the day you’d finally realise that you belong with me… I just quoted Taylor Swift (I know so); sue me.
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How long did it take for you to finally realise your feelings for me…?
Seconds, minutes, hours, days or months?
Either way, I wouldn’t say it mattered;
You finally noticing me is all that matters.
Did I tell you just how much happiness your confession brought me?
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Has anyone ever told you about your touch?
Soothing and addictive is what it is;
I couldn’t get enough of it even if I tried.
Home… yes that must be it.
Your touch felt like home and despite it being familiar;
It was overwhelmingly addictive and because of that, I craved it every single time.
Like the summer breeze, your touch warmed me;
It warmed me to all the places I would have never assumed could be warmed judging by past and present references.
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How is it that you failed to realise how I would drop everything for you?
Be it a simple text from you or a call, I would immediately leave whatever it is that I was doing just to attend to you.
That had left me on the receiving end of mama’s glares;
And trust me, they aren’t a pretty sight.
If withstanding mother’s glares doesn’t prove how deep I love you, what would?
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Had I known that everything would go downhill from there I would have treasured all our moments together;
Or maybe I would have been more attentive
Or maybe more caring?
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What exactly was it that I had to do to ensure that you always remain smitten by me or find my tendencies cute than irritating? Like the need to fill the silence with chatter because I hate how I tend to overthink when it’s silent?
Was I supposed to have poured everything of mine through each and every kiss we shared?
Was I supposed to have sought advice from those skilled in the art of love-making to learn a trick or two?
Was I supposed to become a regular visitor at your apartment and cook you more of your favourite meals?
What was it that I had to do?
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My dearest Samuel…
Glancing at this letter right now makes me sick to the stomach…
Tell me, what was it that I ever saw in you huh? Surely there’s more to potential romances than looks and charm?
But then again, I’m more disappointed in myself for having put up with you this far when I could have packed all my things and left first thing in the morning.
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I should have left when your actions became more apparent that you had no desire for me.
Or the fact that you would always start a fight when I return from a night out with the girls.
‘Where did you go? Who were you with? Why did you stay that long out with that person? Could you possibly have texted or even called to notify me? When did you meet this friend of yours?’
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Have you realised how the majority of the letters I’d written so far include lots of ‘I’s instead of ‘You’s?
Our relationship hadn’t been about me and me alone.
Is it even a relationship if the focus is on one person and one person only?
Throughout the entirety of our romances, I’ve always had to have a nice introspection a and search for what is it exactly that I’ve had to do to improve our relationship;
Amidst my endless introspection, I failed to realise how you’re not the same anymore…
You’re not the same Samuel who had my knees buckling at a single glance from him,
You’re not the same Samuel whose smile had me reaching for stars,
You’re not my Samuel… but then again, when were you ever?
It pains me to only realise that all the smiles you gave me never reached your eyes.
Or how I was the only one to initiate every single activity between us…
But what pains me the most is having failed to realise just how much of a monster you are to ever deem it okay to lay your hand on a woman and apologise the next day in fear of anyone finally discovering the real Samuel beneath the façade.
A lot of things pain me but it’s better if I moved on from them to avoid any more pain.
P.S: That was goodbye.
By: Refiloe Dimakatso
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