Why I’m Still Unmarried


Good afternoon Osofo,

I am unmarried and admittedly, it’s not an easy topic to bring up. Osofo, I’m 42 years, financially sound, have many female friends, and very very single aka unmarried. Our elders say the one who eats alone cannot discuss the taste of the food with others… Waaa see, I quoted a proverb instead of a scripture. Papa Osofo forgive me wai. As for this taste, I really have to discuss it. As I was saying, Papa, market no good kwraaa.

For starters, it’s not like I don’t have plans of settling down o. I’ve met and been with a lot of women at different places and stages in my life. This breakdown will help.


The Christian Sister

As I worshiped at church week after week, I took notice of all the pretty girls in the youth department and church choir especially. Originally, I perceived them as ‘occupied’ till I won the heart of one. Coming to church one Sunday, a pretty usher with a biiigggg smile met my gaze at the entrance. The charming usher, Salma, and I hanged out a lot for several months until eventually she became my first girlfriend.

Salma was overly principled in a beautiful but annoying way. She was too hard a human being to understand and deal with. She won’t kiss or even hug me; as for sex, I couldn’t bring up the topic. By an unspoken agreement, we broke up. That was how my unmarried experiences started.


The Normal Girl
Though it didn’t work out between Salma and me, I unconsciously adopted some principles from her. Key among which was purity. I held fast to such principles as I dated Abokuma, a Fante trader residing in my hood in Tema.

Abok, as I called her, had the beauty, the brains, the curves and all there was to want in a lady. But she too had her challenge. Maybe I should call it ‘greed’. Like Oliver Twist, Abok was never satisfied with anything I got for her: from phone, to wig, to paying her rent, and ‘sorting out’ her family members. Meanwhile, my mum hardly benefitted from the meagre salary I earned from managing Mr Quandor’s Supermarket. Hmmmmmm. I know that act or omission is pure witchcraft and I’ve already scolded myself.

By the way, when push came to shove, I just had to give up on Abok too. Unmarried case number two be that.

Lest I forget. It just dawned on me that all these normal ladies and gentlemen, who either break their partner’s heart or have theirs broken, mostly fellowship at a church or a mosque. I’ll leave you to draw the conclusion on that.


The Dual-Core Movement

My not getting the ideal lady, which began as a storm in a teacup, suddenly took a weird twist. The frustrations of being in a relationship with one girl where you are uncertain about where it will lead, scared me. I started thinking of some weird ideas. I did some analysis on how I could find a wife in 6 months if I dated 2 women at a time (desperate times, desperate measure). The calculations looked very feasible and air tight. In my mind’s eye, I knew one out of the two will be eliminated due to the criteria below:

• Lack of attention for my needs
• Eye red for money
• Disrespect
• Nagging

So I started the dual dating journey with Ama, a level 400 Engineering student of Kwame Nkrumah University of Science and Technology KNUST and Adobea, a nurse at the Tema General Hospital. Guy, (oh, sorry Pastor) womanisers’ dey try; kw3333. Both ladies gave me 24/7 Tender Loving Care (TLC) like I’ve never had or heard of. Thoughts of them comparing notes kwraaa came to mind several times. Charlie (oh sorry), both ladies were good to me in every area your mind can think about. Every area, Osofo. Ebe like my calculations failed.

Come and see me robbing Peter to pay Paul. As for the travels between Tema to Kumasi de3, don’t go there. That, coupled with my stressful schedule at the office, made me an unhappy man. Let me also mention that my ordeal with the ladies increased the rate at which I lied. I got to a point in my life where I could tell perfect lies unconsciously within 2 seconds. It was that bad. But who sent me mpo?

As I struggled to decide on which of ladies to settle down with, a painful experience suddenly retweeted my entire system to a halt. I felt a fisherman-kind of hand launch a heavy slap on my slim cheeks (sutror paa nie). I managed to open my eyes only to find Macho, head of security at my company, standing in front of me. “Boss say break time be over so make you join am for boardroom. He bore waaa”, he spoke in his usual bass tone (annoying guy).

Anyways, I was wide awake and very upset for the needless slap. Though the slap reminded me of circumcision day, I couldn’t grumble. Yeah, circumcision; I remember it paa.

Heerh, eating too much gorb3 (gari and beans) can really make a grown man do stupid things. I’m going to wash my face to continue the meeting. Away bus.


Unmarried Disclaimer

This unmarried piece is not about me or any person dead or alive. It’s purely fictional. About my real age, I’m nowhere near 30 mpo. Lol. Tenkew tenkew.


A Ghanaian Unmarried Story

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