Eating at a chop bar is bae and I urge you not to allow haters deceive you some unhygienic blah blah. For those who prefer plush eateries and restaurant, I didn’t come your come today. I’m only here to discuss chop bar happenings and advise my fellows to outsmart the system. I mean the ladies and gents who love their fufu, konkonte and banku, the local.
Here we go.
Chop Bar Gossip
Aside trotros, chop bars are among the few places you are guaranteed of hearing incredible stories and gossip. It’ a sure banker. One time, I eavesdropped on conversation between two ladies about some random guy. It was too sweet and engaging a convo that when they got up to leave, I was tempted to abandon the food and follow them for the continuation. Charlie, konkonsa no goodo. Lol.
Chop bar gossip usually starts from the entrance; when you enter a place and you are being watched or talked about, you can sense or feel it. And majority of the time, those who immediately shift their gaze from yours are guilty of konkonsa. Crosscheck from any veteran and thank me later for the free tip. Lol.
Ok, so back to my narrative on my observation. Fact is, gossips never run out of issues to discuss. Check out their trending themes below:
Who frequents the place
The new comers
Who came with whom
What one’s eating
Who is drinking what
Who drinks alcohol before eating and who’s fond of blowing fuss
Coincidently, the vendor’s food is hardly discussed aloud in the chop bar! Lol. Don’t ask me why!
Face Look-Look Chop Bar Attendants
I sincerely apologise for speculating chop bar attendees top the gossip chart. Na lie; delete that info. Officially, chop bar attendants gossip more than all the people in the eatery put together. From the moment you enter, they’ve already seen you and zoned you dadaada.
A case in point is how one attendant jokes and smiles with everybody except Koo Menu, a colleague. Correct zoning be that. Let’s dissect the root cause of the zoning. These attendants will either hail you or avoid you based on the following:
The company you keep
The car you came in
The worth of food you usually buy or are buying on that particular day
What you’re wearing or you’re not wearing
The tips you give
Don’t ever under-estimate market intelligence on the part of chop bar attendants or think of them as unschooled. They make a mental note of everything and everyone.
On the flip side, you too give the girls tip small. Lol.
Chop Bar Peer Pressure vs Pocket Situation
Let’s get closer to the line where the food is served, as that is where the real politics happens. Abeg, we the local champions we don’t say queue at the chop bar; we say line.
So in the line, you are likely to see a nice lady or gentleman you may like as a friend or whatever. The thoughts of how he or she will perceive you (based on the food you are buying) is enough reason for you to buy more meat; buying more meat gives the impression you’re loaded with cash (author unknown).
Sometimes too, you want a particular individual standing by you in the line to hear the species of meat and fish adorning your food.
As for those who don’t have cash, their style is beautiful k3k3. You’ll hear them whispering or speaking undertone as though they’ve lost their voice. Azaar nkoa (pretence); don’t mind them. Broke-ass niggers who can’t afford meat/fish usually opt for garden eggs. Hence the undertone movement. Sosket.
As for those hiding behind vegetarianism to buy eggs instead of meat or fish, no comment.
Please is that All?
How do you feel when a chop bar attendant asks you “is that all”? Personally, I feel it’s insulting, and rude to be asked that judgemental question. What rubbish? That question dey pain ruff. Herh.
Next time some vendor asks you that question, ask her if she has snake meat. Ebufusem.
I won’t say more. I vex.
The Accidents
Accidents de3 they are unavoidable. Sometimes, some embarrassment at the chop bar will make you wish you could fly.
Nothing is as embarrassing as:
- Soiling your shirt in the process of tearing meat with your mouth. Edey pain ruff.
- Adding too much salt to your soup by accident
- Misplacing your wallet and only noticing after you’ve bought your food
- Buying food beyond the cash you have in your pocket or wallet.
Wo b3y3 shi (hot) ruff. I’m out.
Don’t forget to add to the funny chop bar secrets in the comment session.
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