In 2018 Kay said he will get married in 2020. 2021 comes, and he still hadn’t gotten married.
“I’m still searching.”
So, I asked:
“What about all the ladies you talk about?” and his response was “they are not meeting my spec and are not correct”.
Knowing him I immediately queried:
“ Eiii ofsa but are you even ‘correct’ to be asking for specs?” To that he said he is a 7 but is looking for someone who is an 8+. He even went on to mention that he had found a lady he preferred and claimed she was a 10. I smiled!
Well of course I didn’t tell him anything nice.
When I turned 21, I had a list of 10 things I wanted in a wife. At 25, I found out I didn’t deserve that kind of woman because I wasn’t fit for her. I simply wasn’t working on myself. I realized I was but a selfish and impatient young man who had expectations of all that I could not find in myself at the time, in my would-be wife.
Becoming a better husband 101
So, I got into reading books, articles, listening to messages and did anything that will make me better and worthy of the woman I wanted. At 28, without a woman in my life, I took pre-marital counselling as I needed to put things in perspective about marriage. I told a few friends about it, and we later started a club for young guys who wanted to be great husbands too.
Memo-7 out of the 9 members of the club are married now and are doing great!. Yep!
So, the period was great for reformation and conviction. Even with all of that, I wasn’t close to being perfect, but I was better than I was 3 years before. If you ask me to rate myself now, I will shamelessly say I am a 6 but that means nothing as I still have a very long way to go.
Toot – Toot…
One understanding I gleaned from the entire period was this; between my partner and I, we would just be perfect for each other, when we see each other as better halves and partners contributing 100% for better versions of each other. Read that again!. Some of the seemingly trivial habits I picked up during the season was the laying of my bed. I also learnt to bath and brush my teeth at least twice every day. I didn’t think they were a big deal until I met ladies who thought it was. For them not brushing and bathing before bed was a deal breaker. A relative tells me of how he has to sleep on the floor on days he decides to go to bed without bathing because his wife just won’t have it.
My sharp and painful tongue with time turned into one that spits wisdom and truth in love. “Toot – toot” you can’t have a conversation with me and not want another. wink! I had to put in the work to be who I see in my visions. I speak, listen and live with so much decorum than I did. Whew! I have come a long way honestly but still have a long way to go with bag loads of flaws. I cringe when I think of it sometimes but it’s fine, I am still human and keep getting better.
In my counsellor’s words: ” These things are a daily and intentional affair, and you would have to start taking a step-by-step approach to applying all the learnings so you can be a better person. That way you would be guaranteed of a better you every day. Not just for your partner but for yourself”.
“If you love me, take me as I am”
Lots of singles have dreams of marrying some whimsical fairy or knight in shining armour or even some version of Jesus. Unfortunately, working and developing good character to be befitting of such partners isn’t talked about. The worst part is those who say, “if you love me, take me as I am”. Eii Ohemaa – Berma, this your stinking character and you want someone to take you as you are?
Your siblings don’t like you, your friends well, birds of a feather. As for your parents monkey no fine but ein mama like am. They’ve just given up on you. No matter how much you love tilapia you don’t eat it as it is-raw. Of a truth, it is not a wise thing to say.
This submission is not unto perfection as that will happen when we see Christ. Rather I advocate for a life of continuous learning and improvement of personal lives, such that whoever you decide to do life’s journey with is loved and respected, recognizing their worth to you.
Obviously, my colleague back there was setting himself up for failure, at least not until he changes his ways. Auntie Safowaa always tells me the leading cause of divorce is unrealistic expectations by people who aren’t interested in making themselves better. Instead they always are looking for logs in the eyes of their partners. Expectations provide a conducive environment for many marital issues. They blossom until the cancer infidelity is no longer a cause célèbre and then poof the marriage is history. A meme I saw recently read “marriage expectations are like wishing for GRE results to go to Stanford only for you to get what can land you in the University of Nicaragua.” And truly so!
While I am still yet to wrap my mind around a lot of these nuggets, I take each day as an opportunity to do what will make me the stellar husband and dad I hope to be, of course with help from the word of God and the Holy Spirit.
I pray the light of God shines on us, and on the areas of our lives that need to be transformed. May He bring us together with people who are daily working to be better versions of themselves. As we strive to get better, may we make room for the flaws of others who are doing same.
Before I leave, let me tell you about Eddo, a mate of mine from Uni.
Eddo and I were good friends and always had something to talk about. Oh yes always! When two talkatives become friends, you can’t expect otherwise. One evening we had a long conversation, talking about everything life and living it, including marriage. She passed a comment as we touched on the management of finances and properties by couples. Chale, that comment stung me. She said: “As for me when I get married, my husband should use his money to build a house and take care of the family. I will build my own house too and do as I please, so that when we have issues I will go to my house until I am OK to go back to my husband’s house.” foolish girl, I murmured!
Not married yet, but I can tell this chic doesn’t deserve any good guy because she will just turn him into something else. I mean how can you conceive such a thought? I wasn’t entirely surprised knowing her background. It goes without saying, that there are lots of guys and ladies out there with more disgusting mindsets than Eddo.
The recipe for ‘Nonsense marriage’
Guys, see this marriage thing eh, from reading around and the chitchats I have had with my married folks, it is not a jolly ride, and mindsets like Eddo’s do not help. They set marriages up for destruction.
More so, Eddo for one, has no good character to complement her imprudent ideas. She and the many others like her, only offer a perfect recipe for ‘nonsense marriage.’
In all of these, one thing stands out to me. For any relationship or mutually exclusive agreements to survive, intentional approaches to renewing the mind and developing good character is imperative. We make fools of ourselves when we take it for granted.
This is my disposition now; to be married, to stay married and to live happily ever after is a decision. A price both parties, not either of them, should be ready to pay.
We can go on and on about these issues. We can speak of how it has wrecked the lives of some really sweet and decent people, friends and family alike. As for infidelity the least said about it the better. Growing up, I barely heard of some of the marital issues we hear in this generation. I get very worried when I hear them. My consolation is that bad marriages have good PR. So there certainly are couples who are madly in love, putting in the work and enjoying their marriage. They are too busy enjoying they don’t have time for PR stunts.
My prayer and for every unmarried folk is that God will deliver us from foolish and unreasonable men and women. May he give us grace to submit to his molding to be great spouses for and to our partners. For those married to strange men and women may the Lord have mercy on you. May he cause extraordinary repentance in the hearts of such partners.
I am done ranting… Now let’s go back to having a great year.